Why do people stay in relationships like this?
PATRYCJA PIASECKA-SULEJ: An experiment was once conducted: women were selected and locked in different rooms. Then, randomly selected men entered these rooms one by one. The women were asked to choose the ones they found most attractive. They always chose the same type of looks and demeanor. It’s the same with the relationships we enter into: we choose the ones we’re familiar with. These patterns largely depend on the relationships we observed in childhood and our experiences from previous relationships.
But doesn’t it become clear pretty quickly whether we want to be with someone or not?
When the first stage of a relationship begins—that is, the fascination with the other person—whether the partner meets our needs is of little importance; we simply want to be with them. It is only in the next stage that we confront what our relationship is really like. This is the time when we ask ourselves: stay or leave? And if both parties are mature, they talk about what doesn’t work for them, try to change it, work things out, and move forward. And if not—they break up.
What is life like for couples who break up and get back together?
It’s a constant cycle of drifting apart and coming back together, taken to the extreme. Please note the role that arguments play in this model—arguments are actually very necessary; if they’re absent from a relationship, it means we’re dealing with an arrangement, not a real relationship.
It all depends on what comes out of the argument.
Of course. Because if we return to a flashpoint once, there’s nothing alarming about it, but if we return a second, third, fifth, or tenth time and nothing changes, then such arguments only hurt and drive us apart. Because that means the partners aren’t listening to each other. For them, an argument is a way of regulating intimacy, and so is a breakup. There’s a lack of communication.
Exhausting.
Terribly. That’s why it’s so hard to function in such relationships. Usually, one of the parties has had enough of this uncertainty that one day they really don’t come back.
Is there any hope for them?
There is, if they’re able to listen to an outsider. It’s important that they can look at themselves from the outside, see what’s actually going on, and break out of this pattern. Someone who knows them very well will always be a little more biased toward one side. A therapist can be close to them while remaining impartial. They can, for example, ask, “Do you hear what your partner is saying?” To show what the problem is. To provide enough support so that both he and she begin to view their relationship—and themselves—in a more mature way. And this is very important, because to be in a healthy, meaningful relationship, you simply have to be mature.
Interview with Patrycja Piasecka-Sulej, "Trapped in Patterns," which served as a supplement to the article "On the Carousel" - "Elle" 08/2017 (275) August 2017, p. 65 (interviewer: Marta Szerejko)
