Is it worth mixing friendship with desire?
MARTA RAWIŃSKA: I’ll give you a cheeky answer: yes and no. On the one hand, a relationship based on friendship can be more mature and conscious than one that starts with passion, desire, and falling in love. But on the other hand, it’s worth remembering that if we start sleeping with a friend, our relationship will never be the same again—a new kind of intimacy will emerge. It might end well, but it might not.
I get the impression that when people use the term “sex friend,” they aren’t thinking of a true friend at all, but rather a buddy or an acquaintance.
This term should be taken with a grain of salt, especially since the word “friend” carries a slightly different weight than the Polish word “przyjaciel.” In the U.S., the former is used to describe every other person. But in our cultural circle, friendship is something deeper than a superficial acquaintance. We call only a handful, at most a dozen or so people in our lives, “friends.” It’s someone we confide in, trust, and remain loyal to no matter the circumstances. So if we sleep with them, we’re crossing a certain line.
But what’s actually wrong with that?
Nothing. It’s just better if we’re aware of the consequences. Okay, before we end up in bed with them, we should ask ourselves what comes next and why we’re doing this. Because if sex, combined with our existing relationship, turns into a relationship, that’s great. But if it doesn’t work out, our friendship might end up in ruins.
I wonder if, in the event that the sex doesn’t work out or it turns out there’s no chemistry between us and a relationship is out of the question, can’t we just turn such an incident into a joke and let it go?
It’s possible, if you can separate sex from feelings. However, when I imagine such a situation, I’m reminded of a rather hackneyed but vivid metaphor of a broken rope, which, admittedly, can be tied back together, but the knot will remain forever. Because from now on, we’ll be haunted by this specific image of that person: their nakedness, their scent, their touch—it will stay with us. And yet, crossing that line doesn’t always have to lead to a relationship or lasting love.
This happens in one out of every five couples. Is that a lot or a little?
It depends on whether these relationships are long-lasting. My experience in my practice suggests that in love, an element of understatement is actually a good thing. In friendship, certain things are obvious because we’ve known each other for years, and there can be no secrets. We know, for example, the stories of our past relationships, and this knowledge often hinders us more than it helps in building a new relationship.
What’s more: knowing a lot about a friend leads many such couples to stop using protection.
That’s true, especially when it comes to a sense of security. They think, “There’s no way you could have anything—we know each other like the backs of our hands!” And then the consequences follow: unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases (HPV, HIV).
For whom is this model most comfortable?
I’d like to believe it can be equally comfortable for both parties, but that’s not the case, because biologically we’re very different. During sex, women release a lot of the bonding hormone called oxytocin, which makes us fall in love faster. Women become more emotionally invested, whether we want to or not.
I get the impression that this is a stereotype that’s unfair to women: after all, I know girls who, every once in a while, want to have a fling not to eventually find a husband, but just to have some fun in bed. And they don’t fall in love immediately at all.
In that case, please consider what motives most often drive men—and what drives women—to cheat. Men often cheat because they want more sex in their lives or because the quality of sex in their relationship is insufficient. Women are more likely to seek sex when they are dissatisfied with their relationship, tired of the routine of life, or when they feel a lack of intimacy with their partner. And then they usually find someone they can trust, who will listen, understands them, and gives them attention. Because women seek intimacy, even if they insist that it’s only about sex. On the other hand, the models of femininity and masculinity are indeed becoming increasingly blurred.
Lately, there’s been more talk about how women also treat sex instrumentally, watch porn—and
these aren’t subtle or delicate erotic films at all, but exactly the same kind that
men watch.
Sometimes they want to watch them together with their partner, but not everyone agrees—men immediately take such suggestions personally. They often interpret it as a sign that they’re clearly poor lovers, which is why the woman needs new stimuli in bed. But that’s not the point at all! Women simply have access to the same material as men, so why shouldn’t they use it? They’re using it more and more willingly, and they have different expectations—different things turn them on. And if they have a partner who, despite requests, conversations, and signals, remains resistant, they start looking elsewhere.
At a friend’s place?
For example. Because there she’ll find the kind of sex that suits her and the attention she needs. Women really do respond more to auditory stimuli, which is why it’s been said for years that a man works all day for evening sex—from morning on, he sets the mood with compliments, erotic texts, and flirting. Words! Yet this is more of a feminine trait. So such a friend might seem tailor-made for a romance.
Just because he intrigues her with his words?
On top of that, she can count on his discretion and attention. Imagine this situation: a woman returns to work after maternity leave. At home, she wears sweatpants, breastfeeds, is tired, her husband is overworked—the last thing on their minds is sex. And at work, she runs into an old friend who sees her only at her best, has no idea about the tough times, is enchanted by her, and expresses this through compliments and thoughtful conversations. No wonder she’s happy to go along with it.
What, then, about the stereotype that friendship between a woman and a man isn’t possible because of
the ever-present risk of an erotic atmosphere?
Even if that risk exists, friendship is still possible in my opinion.
Do you have a friend like that?
I do.
And there’s never been a hint of flirtation between you?
I won’t say!
It seems to me that even if it does arise, but under control, it’s a completely healthy situation.
Of course. It’s a very nice feeling for both of us, because it gives us a sense of attractiveness, a little excitement, and at the same time the certainty that it won’t go beyond certain boundaries. I think both sides can benefit a lot from such a relationship, as long as they don’t cross the line.
You keep talking about that boundary and the risk. Meanwhile, women on forums, excited about their affairs with friends, write things like this: “There is a fundamental difference between a friend for sex and sex with a friend. The former is a toy meant to satisfy the need for an orgasm. And sex with a friend is a gift almost as important as empathy in friendship.”
I find it hard to agree with this. I think the desire to fulfill a sexual need is completely natural; the question is, why change the terms of a friendship when you can satisfy that need with someone else? Especially since if you enter into this arrangement, you can count on nothing more than a substitute for closeness, not true intimacy. Because who is such a friend to us all of a sudden? A lover, a partner, a colleague? I often encounter a sense of a certain impunity among my patients. They say, “But I didn’t promise her anything!” It’s easy for them to wriggle out of it. Meanwhile, if such an arrangement lasts for months, women begin to feel the need to build something lasting. This risk applies to men as well.
Meanwhile, such an arrangement treats sex as a consumer good.
And that’s never good—it’s just sad. Because sex is intimacy that should bring us joy and build closeness. Not the feeling that I’m walking into a store, taking something off the shelf, getting it, and saying goodbye with no strings attached.
So what do you recommend?
First and foremost, ask yourself whether you want to be in a relationship with this person and whether they want that too.
In short, is there a chance that this could turn into something deeper? If not, then ask yourself another question: is it worth it? What’s the point? Because the price can be really high. We might lose a friend. And end up with neither a partner nor sex.
ELLE, July 2017, 07/2017 (274), pp. 68–69
