Text: Beata Pawłowicz (this text includes excerpts from a conversation between Beata Pawłowicz and Izabela Jąderek)
If a woman living in symmetrical monogamy were to talk about her sexuality, what would she say? What would her confession sound like? Inspired by Helen Fisher, an American anthropologist, Izabela Jąderek—a Warsaw-based sexologist and psychotherapist—and I wrote the confession of such a woman: Naked? I am open and natural in love.
I’m not ashamed of my body. I like it. Breasts too small, butt too big? I accept my appearance; imperfections don’t keep me up at night. I am who I am. And if something bothers me, if I feel shame or embarrassment, I take a closer look at it. I ask myself: “Is this something I don’t want, or do I think I shouldn’t want it because that’s how I was raised?” Naked in sex, but also naked in my emotions, in my dreams, in my fantasies, in my desires: submission or domination over you. I don’t feel forced into passivity! I initiate sex without fear that you’ll say, “You’re too liberated,” or even, “You’re promiscuous!” I also give myself to you without shame, if that’s what I desire. In bed, I can laugh, scream, or sing. It depends on what I feel and how I experience love. I have expectations, and I want you to fulfill them. I met you after a few more or less failed relationships, and finally I can be myself when I’m with a man. I trust you. You give me a sense of security.
Wonderful? Pfft! But isn’t this kind of acceptance of one’s physicality and sexuality a utopia for many women? Can each of us, if we only want to, become someone like that?
Get to know yourself
We think that the heart and love are synonyms; we say, “I gave him my heart”; “He broke my heart.” Izabela Jąderek argues that the most important thing is to build a relationship with oneself. By getting to know herself, a woman discovers how she wants to love and finds the courage within herself to do just that. But can each of us begin to love and live in harmony with our sensuality and sexuality? And is it really that important? “In my personal opinion, everyone can and has the potential to do so,” states Izabela Jąderek. – Of course, she will encounter many bumps along the way, but the key is the word “want”: to look at oneself in order to understand oneself and one’s needs, including in the aspect of sexuality. Then one can accept it or change something about it.
And is that important? Yes, if we dream of symmetry in a couple, or even a symmetrical marriage. It presupposes equality between both partners in love and in sexual expression. To be equal to a man in fulfilling her desires, a woman must know what those desires are and what she wants from her lover. And this is not at all obvious, even to her. Why? Today, a monogamous relationship often implies a traditional division of roles and dependencies. This stems from upbringing, and often from economics. “A woman who is economically dependent is often mentally dependent as well,” explains Jąderek. She holds back in bed and adapts to her partner, often without even realizing it.
This isn’t always the case, but if we have doubts about whether we’re fulfilling our sexuality, it’s worth reflecting on how we were raised. Did my parents show affection toward each other? Do I like my body? Can I pinpoint where feelings arise in it? Or maybe I want to look like models to feel attractive? And sex? Do I associate it with pleasure or with embarrassment? This will help us find a path to understanding our sexuality and to a possible erotic transformation of ourselves.
Happy as a Couple
Economic equality is important because, according to researchers, symmetrical monogamy is a return to an archaic relationship where partnership reigned! In the days of hunters and gatherers—that is, before the invention of the plow—women and men contributed equally to the shared pantry. In other words, they were economically equal and therefore had equal erotic rights. Symmetrical marriages are making a comeback because women are once again becoming equal to their partners. But men also have some inner work to do today. Sexologists’ offices are filled with men who are bothered by the fact that their wives earn more or simply earn a lot. A man doesn’t want to feel unnecessary; he wants to have something to give to a woman. It doesn’t have to be money, though. What else? It’s worth thinking about.
Today, people are together for various reasons and on different terms. But if they are united by romantic love (nearly 90% of couples), feel equal to each other in sex, and are faithful, this type of relationship is symmetrical monogamy. A path to happiness for two. Lasting happiness.
That’s encouraging! So if you want to create such a relationship, where do you start? With great sex? But what if sex hasn’t been our strong suit so far? Not all women even like it. You can unlock your hidden sexual energy—even from yourself.
“Rituals that have little to do with sex help with this,” says Izabela Jąderek. – Because we’ll also find joy in bed if we enter it guided by intimacy and affection. By love. Old-fashioned? Maybe, but effective – adds the sexologist. Deriving joy from sex is based on intimacy. Satisfying sex won’t happen without a satisfying relationship, which is why what strengthens closeness also releases sexual energy. A woman and a man sometimes don’t feel it simply because they aren’t connected by intimacy.
Love rituals
We sit facing each other on the bed or on the carpet. We place our hands near our partner’s heart. We try to synchronize our breathing with theirs: we inhale as they exhale, creating a breathing circle. We look into each other’s eyes.
“It’s very likely that both of you will start crying, because it’s rare for people to show such tender interest in each other for several minutes, looking at each other without interruption,” says the psychotherapist. After this time, if they feel the need, they can hug and kiss, but not have sex. It’s about the feeling of being close together, but without sex. It’s an intimate experience. Tender togetherness brings us closer than sex and prepares us for sex, which builds intimacy. Because often, it is precisely this tenderness that we lack. That is why such a ritual is sometimes enough for a woman who thought she had no libido to suddenly feel the desire for sex. A man’s mindfulness as an aphrodisiac? The desire for sex diminishes due to its absence. The feeling of being seen has the opposite effect. However, the exercise alone is not enough.
“Mindfulness is needed in everyday life,” adds Jąderek. “But there is a way to achieve this: learning mindful communication. She or he speaks for three to five minutes. The other listens without interrupting, and then repeats what they heard in their own words. “Is that what you meant?” Then they switch roles.
– The couple can also benefit from rituals that are based on physical contact, but not sexual contact. Thanks to them, you can experience that sex is not just about the mechanical act itself – adds Jąderek.
The woman rests her legs on her partner’s hips; he inserts his penis into her vagina. And that’s where the similarities to sexual intercourse end. Because they remain intertwined like this for five to ten minutes. They look into each other’s eyes. Their hands rest on each other’s chests, and they breathe in unison. Then he withdraws and hugs her. They share their feelings. It’s better to give up sex for the moment, and you’ll gain something that will help with sex itself, with being together, and with love… Genitals aren’t just for sex, but also so that we can feel what it means to be One. This is already a more emotional or spiritual dimension of sex. Transcending individual existence.
The Man in Monogamy
- And here lies the crux of the matter, says Izabela Jąderek. – A woman living in symmetrical monogamy can behave this way because she has met the right man—one with whom she feels safe and whom she trusts. They form a partnership, starting with the division of household chores, through caring for children if they have them, and ending with sex. Who we are is connected to the relationships we form.
And what if, for a change, a man living in symmetrical monogamy were to confide in us—what would his confession sound like? Let’s let our imaginations run wild again: I desire you when there’s fire in your eyes. You’re full of energy. So when you’re doing what you’re passionate about. I desire you when we do something new and unusual together. We go to caves to watch bats, we cook mussels over a campfire, and we’ve never done that before. I desire you when I feel I can be myself around you. I want to win you over. To figure out who you are. I want you to keep sparking my curiosity.
When we love and feel loved—let’s not give up on our passions. Or on ourselves. And yet we often do just that. We’re more preoccupied with new window blinds than with what we were passionate about before the wedding, like contemporary dance. – Desire feeds on different emotions than stability – adds Izabela Jąderek.
So let’s allow ourselves freshness, excitement, mystery – that’s where desire lives. Desire is linked to dopamine levels, and dopamine is released when we do things that break the routine. Dopamine, in turn, is responsible for the experience of orgasm, which stimulates the flow
of oxytocin and vasopressin, which evoke feelings of attachment. That is why satisfying sex is an element of happy and lasting love. It reinforces fidelity, which seems invaluable in a symmetrical couple’s relationship.
Fidelity opens the body
A woman who believes her partner is faithful might say something like this: You are the most important person to me, and I am the only one for you. This allows me to experience our intimacy in a unique way. My body doesn’t open up to anyone the way it does to you. When we make love, we are one in body and spirit… And then suddenly: snap! A photo of a naked woman on your phone and a text message: “I’ll be there tomorrow at lunchtime.” Have you cheated on me?! So I’m not the only one you look at that way? There’s someone else who’s become more attractive, more important than me. My body closes off. The heart closes. I feel shame, fear of judgment, of comparison. I no longer look at you with love. I look at you with fear and anger. I wonder who you are, who I am.
According to Belgian psychotherapist and researcher Esther Perel, when we love romantically and symmetrically, betrayal can be final precisely because it strikes at our identity, our sense of who we are. When we love, fidelity is essential. When we’re with someone for the gold card, it doesn’t matter as much. But then it’s also harder to find that longed-for happiness as a couple. Symmetrical love offers deeper opportunities for self-realization as a couple, but it also demands more.
The Future of Marriage
For many, it’s a joke. Acceptance of divorce is growing; indeed, a new kind of shame has even emerged—linked to the fact that we don’t leave someone who isn’t as they should be. Putting oneself first also doesn’t favor monogamy.
– Despite this, or perhaps precisely because of it, monogamy is making a comeback as a kind of counterbalance, says the sexologist.
Consumer culture and the separation of sex from love—even if they bring pleasure—are also becoming tedious. There is an increasingly visible desire to return to values such as love, partnership, and tenderness. Only the definition of a relationship and the needs associated with it are changing. We aren’t giving up on marriage. We simply have a different strategy for finding a partner—we wait until we’re sure. And we usually become certain after a few relationships. Closer to our 40th than our 20th birthday. Still
we want to love and be loved.
This article is from the October issue of the monthly magazine “Zwierciadło” (10/2017) / pp. 109–111
